Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I thought my mother-in-law had a better sense of humour than she does. I made a fun, joking proposition to her, and she said, "I'll be telling my husband about this because we share everything, and he may come after you. If you EVER make another statement even close to this, we will both tell our daughter and you'll be gone. I promise you we will get a lawyer and our daughter will get those kids."

I just about fell over. I'm always joking and that song "Save a Horse" song was on the radio and I just made a joke about her needing a younger cowboy to take her for a ride, before she hits the big 5-0. How was I to know she'd go and get all offended?

Just a Joke

Dear Just a Joke: That younger cowboy in her saddle would be you, dude? Apparently not. Hot looking mothers, or MILFs (from the rude Net expression "Mothers I'd Like To ----") are mostly a figment of addle-brained ego-soaked young mens' imaginations.

They're so far off a son-in-law's sexual-possibility radar, wise men don't go there, even in jest. When it's your mother--in-law and you have a wife and kids to lose, sexual flirting is like playing with the fuse on a grenade beside your kids.

The mother of your wife is loyal and her husband is obviously her best friend and confidante. When you're alone in the room talking to her, remember you're talking right into his hairy ear, too -- no secrets. A sobering thought, cowpoke.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:I don't know how to kiss, or so I got told on the weekend. I'm a guy, 16, and new at the "dating" thing. I've only hung out with girls to this point.  But I took this girl I like out, and I went to kiss her on her basement sofa, and she actually said "Eww" and turned and wiped her face on her sleeve afterwards.

I felt so embarrassed. I just got up and went home, feeling like the stupidest jerk. Obviously a dog lick would have been more welcome to her than what I did. What did I do wrong? I didn't want to give her a hard peck, so I tried to French kiss her. All the guys do that, or so I thought until now. What do girls really want when you first start kissing them?

Lousy Kisser, 16

Dear Lousy Kisser: Girls want to desire the kiss before they get it. Next time start by touching her face and looking into her eyes for a minute or so, or rubbing the corner of her mouth lightly with your thumb and thinking about kiss her lips. Or, another sweet move is to push her hair back behind one ear to find her face and look at her with a slow grin.

Let the tension build by doing these things while you're talking and then let your words trail off into oblivion and say. "Sorry, what was I saying?  . . .I was thinking of kissing you, and completely lost my mind for a minute." Then laugh at yourself. Let her know a kiss is coming if she wants it. But if she isn't ready, you aren't desperate or likely to pout. If she feels the build-up of tension, and comes in looking for that kiss wanting it as much as you do, things will work much better.

Now for all-important  positioning. You don't lean out with your lips pursed, unless you're five and just got off the slide with your sweetie. Nor do you want to miss her mouth, as so many inexperienced young guys have done, by aiming at an unsuspecting victim's lips and hitting the corner of her mouth -- and then trying to smoosh it over to the real place. So, you need to be close -- a gentle hold on the girl, with your hands on her shoulders or her back, once teasing time is over and it's time to do the thing,.

You'll find standing is actually easier for a first kiss than sitting sideways on a sofa and craning around for it. Leaning her against a door and sharing a kiss good-night is the all time best because you can quickly escape if things go badly, but you can have a full body embrace if things go well. Just watch out for the doorbell behind her, if it's her parents house.

So . . . draw her close and thank her for a wonderful time and tell her something nice you really honestly think about her, like "I like the way you laugh" or "your hair smells beautiful." You get the picture, and so will she. If she's doesn't thank you, and quickly and go into her place, it's likely she wants the good-night kiss, too. So tilt her chin up with your hand and brush your lips lightly on her mouth the first time, like a thank you kiss. If she seems to want more, kiss her again with a little more pressure and move in and hold her more tightly. If she parts her lips a little, it's an invitation to French kissing, but don't go crazy. You don't want to be the Empty Cavern kisser, but you also don't want to be too aggressive. A sweet exploratory front-of-the-mouth kiss is about right.

If her arms come up around your neck and she responds with a very passionate kiss, remember the kiss is about two people. The kissing rhythm should be back and forth -- she advances the kiss, you advance it a little further-- not about caveman aggression. Don't be afraid to bethe first one to gently ease off in a first necking session. Leave her wanting more.

Okay, that's enough for starters. Write back if you have any problems with this lesson.

Gentle readers, please feel free to write in with tips or experiences, for this young lover.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I don't know how to express this politely, so I'll just barrel in. My wife likes to insert this sex toy called Pleasure Spheres (a ball within a ball and the $%&* thing jingles). She wears them around in public "for kegel exercise reasons." At least, that's the excuse. I think it's quite weird and embarrassing and have forbidden her to do so -- not that she listens to me.

When we were in Zellers the other day, I heard them jingling as she walked, and knew she had them in. I was mortified. The truth is I feel like I can't compete with this kind of 24/7 stimulation and feel left out as well as embarrassed by the noise. I want to take them and huck them in the garbage, but she says I'll be going right into the garage after them, if I do so. She says it's her right to "love herself."

What do you think about this? What happened to my role loving her? I don't feel like playing second fiddle to some stupid new toy and don't think this is funny at all, so no smart cracks.

Jingle Bell's Husband

Dear Jingle: It's interesting she wears them when she's out with you at the store, knowing full well you'll be embarrassed and humiliated if you hear them in the check-out line. At least they don't play songs. Most people wouldn't know what's going on BUT YOU DO, and it makes you feel demeaned -- and she knows it.

Frankly, there's nothing wrong with a woman playing with these things privately when you're not around, but why is she choosing to taunt you? Write back and tell me what else is going on to cause this resentment from her towards you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I hate my boss so badly I can't even tell you. When he walks into the room, I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. He's much too free with his hands and likes to stand behind different women in the office and run his fingers up and own the back of their neck columns. He tried it with me last week and I removed his hands and said firmly, "Don't!" Now he looks at me with a gleam in his eye, like I'm playing hard-to-get. What can I do?

Feeling Harrassed

Dear Harrassed: How big is your company? Do you have a personnel department to take this to, or is it a small place, and it's every employee for herself? There's strength in numbers. so you should talk to the other women he touches. Then go after this man for sexual harassment through the Human Rights Commission. Do start looking for other work at the same time. It's great to be noble, but long-term stress can kill if it's bad enough. Since your reaction to your boss is so strong the hair raises on your body, you shouldn't stay there, if he doesn't get transferred or fired.